I don’t like myself much. In all honesty, I never really have. I have moments of confidence, but all in all, I don’t love myself enough.
I don’t think I’m alone there.
I’m pretty optimistic in general, but really it’s due to my insecurities that I tend to only share the good. I bury the bad and I showcase the good. Even with #aHeartFitFriday, though my intention was transparency, I eventually stopped sharing the moments of weakness. Moments when I was just too overwhelmed to do anything healthy or productive and then sat alone at home thinking no one wanted to spend time with me, when I have amazing friends. I was hoping my successes would motivate, but I think it became harder to relate when I stopped sharing my imperfect humanity.
I’ve said it before, but I generally make one of two assumptions: 1) my struggles are my own and no one else wants to carry that burden OR 2) I’m alone in my specific struggles.
When it comes to motherhood struggles, I usually know I’m not alone, but also don’t want to scare anyone away from having kids. I really do feel the good outweighs the bad and it’s always worth it to start a family, whether you’re “ready” or not because no one’s ever completely ready. There’s just no way to prepare.
I don’t want to alienate anyone. I want to live in truth and that’s never going to happen if I keep burying my head in the sand.
I’ve spent a lot of time in The Bible. I’ve gone through periods in my life where I was more consistent than others, but in the past year something changed. I do think my kids had something to do with that. They’ve given me a new perspective. One where I can see what a frustrating child of God I’ve been. Every time I get frustrated with Dylan for not just trusting me with his safety or happiness, I realize how little I live by trusting in God. I pray for guidance and tell God I trust him, but when it comes down to it, I’m too busy making my own plans to listen and live my faith.
I want to trust God with everything. I want a life that’s completely surrendered and reliant on God. I’ve spent a lot of time following the “rules” and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m done living a life full of ideas without action.
I’m doing an online bible study with goodmorninggirls.org structured around the book “Anything” by Jennie Allen. It’s eye opening. I’ve only read one chapter and I’m already feeling convicted to start making some changes. The biggest of which is to stop hiding. I want to live a more open life. I want to stop shutting people out and start letting everyone in.
If you’re interested in following along with the Anything study, it just started, it’s free, and there’s a community of hundreds of women participating from all over the world. There are other online studies as well, like shereadstruth.com.
Since having Dylan, I’ve always sought out local bible studies to anchor myself within the various communities we’ve moved to, but never even thought to check online until last year. It’s nice to know that I have online options whether I’m on vacation in another state or country or if I ever move and that there’s a real community there.