I’m the type of person who doesn’t like other people to know when I’m going through a rough patch, but I’ve decided it’s time for me to stop pretending on here because: if this isn’t an outlet, what is it?
I try to keep smiling and say optimistic things, while inside I’m trying to control EVERYTHING, ripping myself apart, and having frequent near panic attacks.
It comes out in how controlling, critical, and impatient I become with others and usually it takes someone close to me (i.e. my mom, sister, husband, or dad) to bring it to my attention.
That happened recently. All four parties listed above actually either gave me a look or said something that made me stop pretending everything was ok and have a little melt down. I am not 100% happy. I am finally willing to admit it. Every day I think I’m doing better, and then at the end of the day, as I lay in bed with my thoughts, I realize I’m still sad.
I’ve always thought of myself as a chameleon who can easily move from one area to another and blend in. Though that can be an excellent survival skill, it is also a bit of a handicap for me. In an attempt to move on and fit in, I don’t spend any time mourning the loss of everything I have left behind and then it backfires on me later when all my pent up emotions come EXPLODING out. For instance, when my aunt asked me if I was going to miss the west (when we stopped at her house on our drive east) I quickly answered “NO!”. I lied. I think I knew I was lying then, but it was when I flipped out on my mom for putting celery in something that I realized something more was bothering me.
Andy and I spent two and a half years building a life out west. We bought a big house in a neighborhood we loved, near schools in a district we liked because we wanted to raise our family there. I invested EVERYTHING in my friends and really tried to build a family in our church and community. We JUST started to really get to know our AMAZING neighbors and other couples in our Sunday school class.
But, when Dylan was born, what I wanted for our family was no longer hypothetical and it changed. I felt homesick for our families on the east coast and I knew that Andy was getting increasingly restless with his career out there, as the opportunities were more limited than they are in the east. So he applied for a job, he got it, and they paid for us to move.
In case you didn’t know or haven’t been reading my blog for long, one month moving was a maybe and then, the next month, we were already living somewhere COMPLETELY different and two time zones away from all my friends. Within the last nine months, I have become a mother, changed careers (quit to become a SAHM), and gone from suburbia to the urban jungle. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?! 🙂
Oh well. I am fine. I’m just sad. I know everything will be ok! I can do everything through him who gives me strength – Philippians 4:13 Like the rest of this passage talks about, I need to work on being content.
I think it might take a little while for me to adjust this time, but I know God is right here. He’s walking me through it and, though I’m not there yet, I’ll get there someday AND I am ok with that!
Oh, and on a positive note, our house is now under contract! YAY! Thank you Lord! Please pray for us that everything goes smoothly and we are able to close by the end of the month like proposed!
Also, I updated the pictures page with a few photos from our day at the pumpkin patch last weekend. This one is my favorite:
In some ways this was like reading about me – only when we lived in BV. I’m happier here than anywhere we have ever lived, but the major changes we have gone through in the past year have caused so many adjustments in such a short period of time.
I don’t know if you feel this way too – but I keep waiting for things to calm down. Go back to “normal” (whatever that is), or just fall into place. I realized the other night – it’s never going to happen. There is never going to be a time in my life where everything is how it should be and I can relax. Because that’s not life. That’s being dead. 🙂 Or in a coma. But not life as a mom and wife.
And that is hard for me to accept.
I miss you so much, but I know that you are happy being closer to your family. My mom says it takes 3 years (and they would know lol) to put down roots somewhere.
Diana recently posted..Protected- Shhhh
yeah, I definitely feel that way too. I keep thinking, “once we’re settled”… how are we ever going to be “settled” if I’m just sitting here wallowing in my own self pity? 🙂 You’re totally right… there is no such thing as “normal” and life is always a circus and we just need to keep on juggling!
I miss you too. With everything that’s happening with the house, I keep thinking, maybe we should just move back. Andy keeps saying that too. I guess we’ll just wait and see. I mean, that is always an option. Just cut out on our lease early and move back to our house. He can still work for his current company out there. So I guess, for now, we just have to wait and see where God leads us. I know he has a plan for us and eventually we will understand why we’re going through all this.
AND I have NO idea what you mean about your parents 😉 hehe. I agree with that. We were out there for just under three years and we were just starting to feel like we had roots. I’m just ready to not be in transition anymore. I feel like things will be easier once the house sells because then I won’t feel like we still “live” there… you know?
Hey there Mama,
Thank you for your honesty, for sharing how hard things are and how you are honestly doing. I know there have been lots of exciting changes but that with all that change comes difficulties and struggles. I know you are doing your best and sometimes it is all too much and really, it’s ok to melt down. It’s hard for me to admit it, but it really does help to aknowledge how hard it is and how sad you are and everything. It’s a lot better than bottling it up or walling it off and pretending everything is A-OK!
Hang in there, you are doing a beautiful job with Dylan, and I know you and Andy will find your place in everything out there. Don’t try to do too much, ok? Lately that’s been my problem, and it only leads to frustration!
Keep smiling, but remember its ok to frown or cry or scream sometime, ok? 🙂
Michelle recently posted..Breathing
Thanks! I probably haven’t been trying to do enough. I’ve been spending too much time wallowing and not enough time getting out of the apartment.
I also think, since I don’t have a job, I need to find something (at the very least to volunteer for) to get me out of the house, alone once in a while.
I read your last post (I can’t remember if I commented) and I’m so sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed! I’m sure it will all balance out soon! Why is it that we always get hit with the most stress and the busiest schedule at the time of year when the days are getting shorter and we need the most sleep? No wonder people typically get sick this time of year!
Also, I miss you, so please move to DC 🙂