I’m the type of person who doesn’t like other people to know when I’m going through a rough patch, but I’ve decided it’s time for me to stop pretending on here because: if this isn’t an outlet, what is it?
I try to keep smiling and say optimistic things, while inside I’m trying to control EVERYTHING, ripping myself apart, and having frequent near panic attacks.
It comes out in how controlling, critical, and impatient I become with others and usually it takes someone close to me (i.e. my mom, sister, husband, or dad) to bring it to my attention.
That happened recently. All four parties listed above actually either gave me a look or said something that made me stop pretending everything was ok and have a little melt down. I am not 100% happy. I am finally willing to admit it. Every day I think I’m doing better, and then at the end of the day, as I lay in bed with my thoughts, I realize I’m still sad.
I’ve always thought of myself as a chameleon who can easily move from one area to another and blend in. Though that can be an excellent survival skill, it is also a bit of a handicap for me. In an attempt to move on and fit in, I don’t spend any time mourning the loss of everything I have left behind and then it backfires on me later when all my pent up emotions come EXPLODING out. For instance, when my aunt asked me if I was going to miss the west (when we stopped at her house on our drive east) I quickly answered “NO!”. I lied. I think I knew I was lying then, but it was when I flipped out on my mom for putting celery in something that I realized something more was bothering me.
Andy and I spent two and a half years building a life out west. We bought a big house in a neighborhood we loved, near schools in a district we liked because we wanted to raise our family there. I invested EVERYTHING in my friends and really tried to build a family in our church and community. We JUST started to really get to know our AMAZING neighbors and other couples in our Sunday school class.
But, when Dylan was born, what I wanted for our family was no longer hypothetical and it changed. I felt homesick for our families on the east coast and I knew that Andy was getting increasingly restless with his career out there, as the opportunities were more limited than they are in the east. So he applied for a job, he got it, and they paid for us to move.
In case you didn’t know or haven’t been reading my blog for long, one month moving was a maybe and then, the next month, we were already living somewhere COMPLETELY different and two time zones away from all my friends. Within the last nine months, I have become a mother, changed careers (quit to become a SAHM), and gone from suburbia to the urban jungle. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?! 🙂
Oh well. I am fine. I’m just sad. I know everything will be ok! I can do everything through him who gives me strength – Philippians 4:13 Like the rest of this passage talks about, I need to work on being content.
I think it might take a little while for me to adjust this time, but I know God is right here. He’s walking me through it and, though I’m not there yet, I’ll get there someday AND I am ok with that!
Oh, and on a positive note, our house is now under contract! YAY! Thank you Lord! Please pray for us that everything goes smoothly and we are able to close by the end of the month like proposed!
Also, I updated the pictures page with a few photos from our day at the pumpkin patch last weekend. This one is my favorite: