A Heart More Focused

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Nothing Like Some Fresh Air For Reflections On True Beauty

June 13, 2011 By Erika Zane

13 Jun

Today was a beautiful day and I got exactly what I needed: a nice long walk.  The temperature was around 75*F, the sun was out, but not too strong, and there was a nice breeze.

I am also starting to feel less congested, thankfully.

On my walk, I started thinking about my body image.  Let me tell you, I have come a *very* long way.

I thought back to high school: the years of extra baby weight, bad posture, and general awkwardness.  Mostly, I remember feeling like I was never going to stand out (as a perfectly adorable teeny bopper of course) and that thought was crushing.  I was about 5 ft 9in and 165 lbs and I felt like a gawky giant.  I was very quiet, so people typically remembered me as one of two girls in our school with very long hair (it was down to my waist at the time).  No matter what I did or how much I worked out, I never felt thin enough, graceful enough, or cute enough.  I finally came out of my shell a little senior year and then cut my hair, convinced that no one would recognize me, only to realize that people were not quite as scary or judgmental as I thought they were (thank you Glee for perpetuating that rumor, by the way).

Then I thought back to my college years, which were a slight improvement: three years of getting involved in every activity I could find to ensure I did not waste valuable time, only to burn out by my senior year.  I joined Chi Omega, a social fraternity (you know, aka sorority), which was both a good and bad idea.  I met some amazing women and am still close with two of my sisters.  The bad part was the year I served on the executive board, where I felt like my every move was critiqued and ridiculed.  You win some and lose some, right?  Anyway, the critiquing had nothing to do with weight or looks but, for me (and I bet I’m not alone here), feeling like everything I planned and executed fell short in my sisters’ eyes, made me feel more self conscious in general.

So then I thought about the between years, after graduation, where I adjusted to “adulthood” and how I went a little wild and abused my body.  Though I lost some weight and looked pretty good, I did not feel great about myself and I certainly was not healthy.

I am going to stop there because I could spend all night talking about my woeful past (*complete* exaggeration – I have been very blessed and I know it), but that would be a little excessive.  In terms of body image though, it was not until I found yoga three years ago that I really embraced my body and found comfort in my own skin.

I would be dishonest if I said that I have gone through life with complete confidence and love for my body since then.  I really struggled with my prenatal and postpartum body, which was painfully obvious in nearly all of my posts from last year.  I will never understand the difficulty I had coming to terms with my changing body during or after pregnancy.  Especially considering the absolute, pure, unadulterated beauty I have *always* felt pregnant women and new mothers posses.

The point is, I feel like I am in a good place right now.  The time I spent reflecting over my past body image during my walk helped me realize the sharp contrast with how I currently feel about myself.

After yesterday’s post, you may be wondering what I am talking about since I requested help finding a fitness routine.  The thing is, I really meant that I need exercise to clear my head.  That is not to say, “I could not look any better in my cloths or ::gasp:: my bathing suit”, but I no longer feel the pressure to look perfect.  I no longer feel like I am unattractive without rock solid abs.  I wake up every morning and do my best to love my reflection, imperfections and all.  I do my best to improve on those imperfections, but I don’t beat myself up over them any more.

As for aging, I always hear women talk about how unfair it is that men grow more “distinguished” with age, while women’s beauty fades.  I think that is a *flat out* lie that society tells us.  I think women become more beautiful, graceful, and feminine with every.single.year.  I think my mom’s mom, who talks about how attractive she was as a teen, has never been lovelier.  I think the same about my aunts (on both sides) and my mom.  They have blossomed into the most beautiful women I know.

Today, I sit here and look forward to every birthday and every wrinkle in my future and I hope that never changes.

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Filed Under: beauty, Grace, motherhood, yoga

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Comments

  1. GGirlGGreen says

    June 15, 2011 at 1:01 am

    That is a great realize to come to. Most women struggle their whole lives with body image. I can totally relate to what you are saying. 🙂

    • Erika @NaMammaSte says

      June 17, 2011 at 12:28 am

      Thanks Stephanie! I think your right. I wish that wasn’t the case (that most women struggle with their body image their whole lives).

  2. Sue Kauffman says

    June 15, 2011 at 8:33 am

    As I get older I find myself looking more at what is in a person’t heart than what they physically look like. That’s what makes them beautiful (or sadly the opposite) to me.

    • Erika @NaMammaSte says

      June 17, 2011 at 12:31 am

      Me too! As cliche as it may be to say, I whole-heartedly believe that it really is what’s in the inside that makes someone beautiful or not.

  3. Cristina says

    March 31, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Hi! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!
    Cristina recently posted..wind spinners

  4. Claire says

    April 18, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    I enjoy what you guys are up too. This sort of clever work and exposure! Keep up the good works guys I’ve added you guys to blogroll.
    Claire recently posted..Great Times To Learn To Save Money

  5. Naomi says

    April 29, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    Howdy! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I really enjoy reading through your posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same subjects? Thanks a ton!
    Naomi recently posted..i used this

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About me

Hello and welcome.  It’s been a while.  For Lent this year I decided to fast from the thing that took too much of my attention from what is truly important: Social Media.  Though there are countless amazing benefits to Social Media, after about a month offline so far, there are seemingly just as many negatives.  I never realized how much of my brain had been hijacked by it.  I’ve had so many revelations about how much easier it is to move forward when I’m not constantly reminded of the past.  But I still want to record my family as they grow at this ridiculous speed and, I’m realizing, so many of our family’s memories are here.  Those along with so many of the struggles and stages we’ve worked through.  Maybe in the midst of COVID19 isolation and my kids around me so often, I’m brought back to a time when they were too young for school and with me so often.  Writing here during that time helped make up for the limited adult conversation in my days and the overwhelm provided by my… little treasures 😉 My husband, fur babies, three fiesty kids, and I hereby extend an invitation to visit this little sneak peak into our life. We’re super flawed and broken and there aren’t too many dull moments around here.  And I promise it’s not always as magical as some of my golden hour, sun-soaked images would suggest.  There’s usually too much coffee in my system and we welcome all the prayers.  Come on over if you want to process with me.

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