A Heart More Focused

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Breaking free

September 29, 2012 By Erika Zane

29 Sep

Words… They’ve been tough for me lately.

I feel like I found and then quickly lost my voice on here this year.  I don’t know what happened.

No, actually, that’s not completely true.  A LOT happened.  Some pretty major stuff that cut my heart wide open and I’m still working on healing.  A two-fold loss immediately following the birth of LH, which has forced me to reexamine just about everything.

I feel like a big baby talking about this.  I’m a grown woman and I should be able to handle my emotions.  But here’s the truth: I don’t like myself much these days and I haven’t in what feels like a long time.  I have good days and I love my life and I know I’m blessed.  But I’m struggling to give myself grace.

So there it is.  As much as it terrifies me, I had to put it out there to move forward.  Today I reached a point where I realized my refusal admit this is slowly eating a hole in my life.  It’s manifested itself in EVERY part of my life and I need to stop it.  I need to figure out where to go from here.

I want to write from my heart again.  I want this blog to be a place of beauty and not a point of stress.

I do know only God can change my life and I’m working on that relationship.  I’m so grateful that God is changing my heart everyday through the Good Morning Girls study group I’m a part of on Instagram (#gmgcolossians).  I’m so thankful for the accountability and fellowship.  I’m going to start writing about what I’m learning on here, but if you want to keep up with me on Instagram, my handle is @namammaste.

Thanks for listening 🙂

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Filed Under: beliefs, Faith, Family, Grace, Religion

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Comments

  1. Michelle says

    September 30, 2012 at 1:37 am

    Hang in there! Try to give yourself a break, having two little guys is HARD! And you are doing a great job! All you can do is the best you can at the moment, some days it is wonderful, others not so much. I am glad you are finding help with the instagram group. I really believe it is your own strength and ability that will bring you through this, but my main concern is that you pull through and feel better in general, however you are able to! Hang in there! Hugs from CO – M

  2. Hannah Shanks says

    September 30, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Praying for you, girl! Your Instagram posts are always so encouraging and I love getting to see pics of your life every day! The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and I love hearing how He is especially near to you now, even on the most difficult of days.

  3. Lacey @ KV Organics says

    October 1, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Hugs.
    Lacey @ KV Organics recently posted..Circadian Challenge

  4. redhotwritinghood says

    October 1, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Keep the faith, the words will come back again. Life is an up and down struggle but it is still a beautiful thing.

  5. Branson says

    October 5, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    I struggle with grace for myself as well… I definitely love how God is teaching me, though, and I am so thankful you are a part of our group on IG 🙂
    Branson recently posted..The Bubs and The Babbling…

Trackbacks

  1. Happy Friday and last day of #NaBloPoMo says:
    November 30, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    […] in all, though, I feel like I got my voice back.  A couple of months ago I wrote about feeling like I’d lost my voice on here almost as soon as I found it.  Well writing […]

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About me

Hello and welcome.  It’s been a while.  For Lent this year I decided to fast from the thing that took too much of my attention from what is truly important: Social Media.  Though there are countless amazing benefits to Social Media, after about a month offline so far, there are seemingly just as many negatives.  I never realized how much of my brain had been hijacked by it.  I’ve had so many revelations about how much easier it is to move forward when I’m not constantly reminded of the past.  But I still want to record my family as they grow at this ridiculous speed and, I’m realizing, so many of our family’s memories are here.  Those along with so many of the struggles and stages we’ve worked through.  Maybe in the midst of COVID19 isolation and my kids around me so often, I’m brought back to a time when they were too young for school and with me so often.  Writing here during that time helped make up for the limited adult conversation in my days and the overwhelm provided by my… little treasures 😉 My husband, fur babies, three fiesty kids, and I hereby extend an invitation to visit this little sneak peak into our life. We’re super flawed and broken and there aren’t too many dull moments around here.  And I promise it’s not always as magical as some of my golden hour, sun-soaked images would suggest.  There’s usually too much coffee in my system and we welcome all the prayers.  Come on over if you want to process with me.

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