I don’t like myself much. In all honesty, I never really have. I have moments of confidence, but all in all, I don’t love myself enough.
I don’t think I’m alone there.
I’m pretty optimistic in general, but really it’s due to my insecurities that I tend to only share the good. I bury the bad and I showcase the good. Even with #aHeartFitFriday, though my intention was transparency, I eventually stopped sharing the moments of weakness. Moments when I was just too overwhelmed to do anything healthy or productive and then sat alone at home thinking no one wanted to spend time with me, when I have amazing friends. I was hoping my successes would motivate, but I think it became harder to relate when I stopped sharing my imperfect humanity.
I’ve said it before, but I generally make one of two assumptions: 1) my struggles are my own and no one else wants to carry that burden OR 2) I’m alone in my specific struggles.
When it comes to motherhood struggles, I usually know I’m not alone, but also don’t want to scare anyone away from having kids. I really do feel the good outweighs the bad and it’s always worth it to start a family, whether you’re “ready” or not because no one’s ever completely ready. There’s just no way to prepare.
I don’t want to alienate anyone. I want to live in truth and that’s never going to happen if I keep burying my head in the sand.
I’ve spent a lot of time in The Bible. I’ve gone through periods in my life where I was more consistent than others, but in the past year something changed. I do think my kids had something to do with that. They’ve given me a new perspective. One where I can see what a frustrating child of God I’ve been. Every time I get frustrated with Dylan for not just trusting me with his safety or happiness, I realize how little I live by trusting in God. I pray for guidance and tell God I trust him, but when it comes down to it, I’m too busy making my own plans to listen and live my faith.
I want to trust God with everything. I want a life that’s completely surrendered and reliant on God. I’ve spent a lot of time following the “rules” and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m done living a life full of ideas without action.
I’m doing an online bible study with goodmorninggirls.org structured around the book “Anything” by Jennie Allen. It’s eye opening. I’ve only read one chapter and I’m already feeling convicted to start making some changes. The biggest of which is to stop hiding. I want to live a more open life. I want to stop shutting people out and start letting everyone in.
So, hi! 🙂
If you’re interested in following along with the Anything study, it just started, it’s free, and there’s a community of hundreds of women participating from all over the world. There are other online studies as well, like shereadstruth.com.
Since having Dylan, I’ve always sought out local bible studies to anchor myself within the various communities we’ve moved to, but never even thought to check online until last year. It’s nice to know that I have online options whether I’m on vacation in another state or country or if I ever move and that there’s a real community there.
Oh, I feel the exact same way! I don’t share the ugly days either, and it’s a relief to know I’m not alone. I don’t want to be a phony or put on a good show either. I always resent ppl who do it and is that how ppl see me? I am human, I am weak and I am forgiven!
Amen! I know. It’s so hard to know how people see us. We all try to cover our sin and insecurities to some extent I think. All that really matters is how He sees us and we just have to have faith that our true hearts shine through. Love covers a multitude of sins, right?
if we were strong , on our own we would not need community or a saviour. Usually we have to hit bottom before we surrender our pride, our little kigdom we have created and our eocentric roots but the good news is you were designed to fail and fail miserably. When ever someone feels that their world is falling apart, a surge of real joy floods my heart because they are on the right path
i just wrote a Mummy Drivel post ranting against women who try to be perfect
http://melaniejeanjuneau.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/mummy-drivel/
You are so right! Thanks Melanie 🙂
I’m a lot older than you, so I’ve already learned to put myself out there, good or bad. I’m a very open person, and maybe sometimes I share TOO much. LOL. But I do have the same problem you have in that I find myself not trusting God as much as I should. Every time He doesn’t answer a prayer like I WANT him to, my faith wavers. And, really, I shouldn’t feel this way at all considering He has always taken care of my family, even when my husband was out of work or in the hospital AND out of work. I’m ashamed of how little I trust in Him sometimes. I’m actually in tears right now because you really touched a nerve, but in a good way. Just like you inspired me to lose weight and be healthier, and actually TELL people about my journey, you’ve now inspired me to put more trust in the One who created us. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting this. See, you not only did something good for yourself, but also for others. 🙂
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Lauralynn. I’m so glad we connected!
Dear friend, I love how you keep trying.. It is not easy to open yourself up but you do and we love you for that. Thank you God that we all are made imperfectly so that we can lean on each other and grow with each others help!
We are here Erika, good or bad, ready to embrace it all and come out at the other end loving you even more.
I am praying for you, your family. May God guide you.
Thanks sweet lady! You are such an amazing encourager. I’m praying for you, too. We can overcome all obstacles and live in grace!
Sometimes it amazed me how much I can relate to what you’re saying.
I know sometimes I feel like my head and my heart battle with each other when it comes to putting my full trust where it should be (and I don’t even think it’s always consistent which one is on the right side…if that makes any sense).
And letting people in? Definitely NOT my forte. We all need work – it’s nice sometimes to know that someone else understands what we are going through, even if we aren’t at a point where we are sharing all of it.
HUGS.