I am frustrated.
Well, I was an hour ago, anyway. I wanted to respond to all the amazing comments you’ve left (and I cherish), which I can never seem to respond to, lately. I wanted to blog. I wanted to finally finish off my photography site and write that first blog post, like I announced a week ago! I wanted to… well probably do too much.
Above all else, though, I want my family.
Today, was one of those days where I could scream… at them. I do that sometimes, but I’m trying so hard to change.
At 3pm, I had been working, unsuccessfully, on getting my two visibly-exhausted-after-a-ridiculously-long-night boys to take their naps. At that point, I really could have just thrown in the towel, right? They were both FIGHTING it. But, I persevered, gently, and they fell asleep, which may or may not have been the right decision.
All the planning in the world doesn’t change the fact that they weren’t sleeping and I lost the time I had set aside for other things.
I found that F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-N-G!
I know I’m not alone based on all the conversations I’ve had with other moms on that subject.
Motherhood is a full-time job, whether you have another full-time job or not.
Yes, if you work full-time, someone else probably struggles to get your kids to take a nap but, if they lose that battle, you get to deal with the consequences. And, either way, you have a to-do list a mile long.
I think about going back to my former career in IT all the time. I’ve thought about that off and on since Dylan was born three years ago. I’ve even tested the waters a few times by sending my resume out there and, once, took a contract job for a couple of months. I’ve also always wanted to start my own business. I used to dream about finding that one passion I could pour myself into and build from the ground up and I did find it: digital media.
I’ve turned into a photography/graphic design/web design junky. Seriously, I’m such a geek. I could sit in front of my computer and forget to eat or drink or sleep for hours upon hours… if I didn’t have two little reminders running around stealing my mouse and keyboard every five minutes.
It’s okay, though. I can take a slower pace in pursuing my “dreams”. I use the quotes, because my husband and kids are the actualization of my dreams.
I want my husband and children to know they’re cherished. I want them to beam with the evidence of respect and unconditional love and acceptance. I want my kids to grow up secure in consistent boundaries and with reasonable consequences, but with the knowledge that I am willing to drop anything if they really need me.
I’ll probably have a lot of time to further my business and maybe even go full-time, but my kids will not be this little forever. They won’t come to me for a hug when they fall down or to kiss their boo-boos or wake me up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream when they’re all grown up.
Too bad I didn’t think of that last night at 3am when I begrudgingly pulled myself out of bed to sooth Wyatt.
I want and need to slow down. I need to meditate on the few important things rather than trying to do everything. I can always be more intentional, transparent and, above all else, filled with love.