After I put Wy down for a nap this morning, I went into my room, laid down, and stared at the ceiling. I thought about my to-do list and just felt completely listless.
I’ve felt like this for a few weeks now. I can’t seem to get out of this funk. The usual stuff, like getting dressed up, getting out, going for walks, etc, hasn’t really worked. I still spend a majority of my day feeling lost.
I know I’m the problem. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it’s the change in weather? Or just getting into a routine with Dylan in preschool 5 days a week now. Dylan and Wyatt have both been a handful and I’m beginning to think I underestimated the disruption this new schedule would cause.
It’s just hard. It’s hard to constantly feel like I don’t matter even if deep down I know that’s not really true. I’ve read those words so many times written by other moms that I realize how cliche it sounds. I also know that I matter to God and to my husband and to my boys. I know I matter to friends and family.
What is it about knowing all that, that never seems like enough?
Why do I still feel these sudden pangs of panic that if I don’t do something more than keep my home and nurture my family that I’m failing? I don’t actually believe any of that, yet I’m so easily convinced when I let my guard down for a second. And, worst of all, why do I react by doing absolutely nothing productive.
Today’s an explosion day for me. It’s only 1:30pm and I already feel like a complete disaster. I’m angry and I have no patience. I exploded on Andy earlier and took a quick drive because I “couldn’t handle it”.
No, I’m not dramatic at all…
Nothing was that bad. I just reached my breaking point and I, well, broke. So here I sit still feeling frustrated and out of patience.
I know it will pass. I know whatever my kids are going through will subside if I can stay strong and guide them through their emotions. I know I can handle whatever their little minds and bodies throw at me if I can remember how little they are and the temporariness of today. I love my kids and I love my life, but some days it’s just not a fairytale.
Speaking of, anyone else anxiously awaiting the next season of “Once upon a time” on ABC?
Love that show, but more about that another day. Time to wrap up this pity party and dig myself out of this little pit!
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. -Psalms 51:10