I don’t really know what to talk about.
I mean in general. I’m not great at making conversation on the spot anyway, but I just feel tongue tied lately. When I meet new people I feel like most of what I say doesn’t leave my mouth the way I intend or doesn’t make sense. Even what I write feels awkward.
I’m sure distraction plays a big role. And insecurity. We’re still living with a fair amount of disorder while attempting to act like everything’s normal.
Want to know the hardest thing for me? Dylan’s preschool. We found one run out of a nearby church that really closely aligns with the Montessori curriculum D was used to and he seems to really, really love his teachers and new friends. I, unfortunately, have not found the same comfort there.
The office manager or coordinator at D’s preschool gives me a very strained smile every day. I don’t really know what the problem is, but I’m pretty certain there is one, despite my efforts. We’ve spoken about a few late pickups, which I apologized for and I’ve shown up early ever since. We don’t have our doctor check-up forms in yet, but I’m finding it difficult to get a new patient appointment this time of year. I also didn’t help out with his school Thanksgiving party two days after we moved into our house. I don’t think she realizes what culture shock this is for me or that I really am trying.
I’m a little frustrated with her, too. I just feel like… well, why can’t I have a little wiggle room? I know, I should get there early enough to sit down with her and have a conversation.
In any case, I’m struggling to find focus and live in the moment. My feelings of inadequacy are affecting everything. My to-do list is so long that it feels impossible and I know I’m focusing on the wrong things. I’m trying to unpack and organize the house, but I’m also trying to ease our family into a new environment and make the transition as smooth as possible. In between boxes, I still need to take D to and from preschool, make dinner, and find time to play occasionally.
Life is such a balancing act and I’m putting too much pressure on myself. At every turn, there’s a new stumbling block and just when I feel I’ve found my stride, I trip again. But that’s okay. It’s very humbling and that’s good. There are blessings in my struggles if I take the time to acknowledge them.
I’m so grateful for everything we have and everything that’s happened, despite feeling overwhelmed. I know I’m allowing myself to believe lies when I feel insecure. I know God builds up and encourages and the negativity I’m feeling doesn’t help anything or anyone. We have everything we need and we’ll get where we need to be… eventually.