I can let go and move mountains.

Boys_in_nature

Most people experience a time of largely naive passion as young adults.

It’s understandable.  We learn all this… well, stuff, for lack of a better word, in school and then we’re set free with a lot of knowledge, confidence, and a desire to change the world.  Somewhere along the road of life, I let the world take some of my passion away.  I let it convince me that I needed more world experience to make a difference.

Every year of my life, I become increasingly aware of how many things I used to find important that have lost their significance.  I also recognize the power of the “little” things.  It’s those day-to-day small moments that matter more than my stance on… whatever.  Those little things add up and many of my opinions seem ridiculous as I realize how small they really are in the grand scheme of things.

Some of that is good.

I’m pretty passionate about natural birth and breastfeeding.  Those are two subjects I’ve spent a lot of time writing about over the years.  At one point, they were the main focuses of this blog.  There was, however, a point where I realized that wanting the the best for other women doesn’t necessarily mean they need to make the same choices.  The importance of the choice certainly doesn’t compare to how much I want every mother to end up with a healthy baby.

We take a lot for granted in this country.  We count heat, warm showers, cold medicine, food in a refrigerator, and clean water as normal.  None of that is normal for most of the world.  We squabble and get in “mommy wars” over decisions that most of the world’s population doesn’t have the luxury to make.  We, most importantly, forget that many women, both here and abroad, don’t have a baby to snuggle and nurse at the end of their pregnancy.

It took watching someone I loved and considered a sister lose her babies.  It took hurting her with my words and actions and losing her friendship to realize that my thoughts weren’t helping anyone if they weren’t coming from the right place.

Ok, it took me a long time to get there and I carried around a lot of anger for a while.  I still battle some from the lack of forgiveness, honestly.  It’s hard for me to accept that my words could do that much damage.

Words are powerful, though.

I’ve had a few people ask where my faith comes from or why I believe.  It’s not an easy answer because it’s years and years of losing my way and questioning and in the end, always coming back into His safe, loving arms.

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

-Rascal Flatts

I’ve had a lot of faith since I was pretty young.  My parents didn’t force anything on me.  In fact, they did their fair share of questioning.  In elementary school a friend brought me to Jesus when she invited me to the church where her dad was the pastor.  That family changed my family’s life.  That was about 25 years ago, give or take.

I’ve lost my way over and over again, but Jesus has always drawn me back in, no matter how badly I screwed up.  There have been some rock bottom moments, but God doesn’t love perfect people because there aren’t any.  God IS love, beyond our understanding, and He excels at mending the broken.  He’s comforted my hurts and put me back on the right path more times than most people know.  Every time I’ve let down my guard, stopped trying to fix everything myself, and allowed God in, He’s penetrated and changed my heart, and life.

I can see and feel that my words are filled with more power and love than ever with God behind them.  My life is a testament to the mountains He’s repeatedly moved for me.

So here I am, many mountains later, wondering what I can possibly do to make a difference.  As I sat here, doubting my abilities, I realized how much of my doubt is based on the idea that I’m not wise enough by the world’s standards.  It’s true that many of my experiences in this life have helped me, but the two things that have helped me more are: a) trust in the word of God and b) acting out of compassion and love.  It’s more fulfilling to make decisions with a burning desire to help rather than earn or posses.

I believe I can do great things.  I believe the Bible is full of God using unremarkable people to do unimaginable things for His glory.  I think history is full of the same.  I only pray I can change this world for the better.  Today, I’m committing to letting all my baggage go.  I’m forgiven and looking ahead.  I’m ready for God to use all things for a greater good than I could possibly dream.  When I focus on the eternal, every limitation and excuse falls away.  Let’s see where Jesus leads me.

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Comments

  1. I love your heart, Erika. I can’t think of any words other than those to express my reaction to this post. I cannot wait to make the journey to Colorado this summer… ;)

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