Hi, I’m still here.

So… hi!  Long time no see, right?

I don’t know what’s been up with me.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  It’s more like, I don’t really know how to explain what’s going in my head lately.  What I think is happening is: I never really took the time to let our move and all the changes sink in.  I did my best to plow forward and keep things “normal” for everyone else, but I didn’t do the same for myself.

Before we moved?  I had a routine that helped me stay calm and keep my sanity.  I was diligent about it.  I woke up with the boys, got them ready, fed them, got D to school, came home and had my quiet time and then got Wy in the car to try to make a class at my gym before picking up D.  That was my routine most mornings anyway.  I wasn’t crazy strict about it or anything but I tried to stick to that at least 2-3 days out of the work week (weekends were a toss up).  That was kind of my foundation.  The part of that routine that I never let slip was, I let God shape my day.  Somewhere along the way, after moving, I stopped doing that, though.

It’s so easy to take over life again as if we have control, right?  I don’t know why it’s so easy to forget how little control I actually have and start leaning completely on my own abilities.  I was never meant to do it all on my own, but I so want to!  Community is a lost art.  We’re a generation of doers who grew up with a lot of tools at our disposal and were told constantly how special we were and how much we could do on our own.  The empowerment’s great, but I think we may have lost some of that team spirit previous generations benefited from.  I know I did.

Yes, we had a lot of team sports, but I’m not so sure there’s always a great team attitude fostered there with team super-stars and everyone trying to stand out.  Even so, whether you played a team sport or not, I don’t think our culture is particularly team oriented outside of sports.

I don’t really want to do it all on my own, when I stop to think about it.  It’s just hard to trust that my way isn’t always the best way.  It’s hard to let go of what I think I want and believe that there’s a greater plan for me that I don’t yet know or understand.  There’s a pretty good chance that plan will use my talents and things I’m passionate about.  After all, my passion came from somewhere.

With all the time I’ve spent planning and controlling over the past few months, it’s robbed a lot of the joy from my life.  I don’t handle stress well.  I internalize and it ends up making me physically sick.  It also immobilizes me, which is really the opposite of what I need to achieve my goals.  So, I’m trying to end that.

I’m going to focus on finding a routine that puts my quiet, meditative, restorative time with God at the front of my day again.  Every.single.day.  I’m going to refocus my passion towards serving and stop worrying so much about how much I need to do.

Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?  Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
Matthew 6:26-27

As a woman and mother, I give a lot of advice every day, but what good is that if I’m not living by it myself?  I’m not helping anyone if I’m a mess and I want to fix that.  My kids, especially, need and deserve a more consistent, less stressed out mom and I’m not giving them that on my own.  Every time I snap, I feel awful and they feel awful.  It’s not good for anyone and it’s been way to frequent lately.  I’m human and I need help and I know where to go for that.

So, I’m back.  I miss writing and I miss the accountability of my blog.  I know that putting this out there will help hold me accountable.  I’ve had these thoughts for weeks now, but I haven’t followed through and I really want to this time.  Thanks for helping me change!

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