Identity

Children are fresh and new and wonderful.  They explore and experience the world with excitement and purpose, each new experience better than the last.

We just returned from a 2 week beach vacation in NC last week.  I think it helped us all to focus on all that is pure and true and right.

I came home with a renewed sense of excitement and purpose for life AND a desire to “rebrand”.  To really build my business with as much authenticity as possible.  But yesterday, as I sat exploring the websites of other photographers and small business owners, searching for some inspiration, I started to feel really boring.

In all fairness, I’m sick with a bug right now, so I’m not feeling wonderful in general.  But, it’s not really a new feeling.  I’ve always felt like I wasn’t very interesting.

I’ve generally been ok with my boring-ness.  I think of myself as pretty simple.  Easily amused and content.  That’s not to say Andy wouldn’t call me high maintenance… like many women, I need to hear that I’m loved and I can be a pain with my insecurities.

I absolutely believe that my God made me for a purpose.  I believe that I was carefully crafted by the Lord to serve him in a way I may never fully understand.  I don’t know exactly what I was created to do, but every time I question my uniqueness and every time I think I’m less than enough, I’m taking away God’s power.  I’m putting him in a box and closing the lid.

Every day, I look at my kids and am amazed by how different and special they are.  Sometimes I see pieces of me, sometimes pieces of Andy and other family members.  Yesterday, I looked at a picture of my older son, Dylan, and was struck by how much he resembles me.  It was a very surreal feeling.  Almost like looking in a mirror, but not.  He’s so different than me in so many ways.

If we are made in God’s image and we are his children, how similar must he feel about us?  Only, He’s perfect and He loves everything about us.  He doesn’t look at you or me and see the things He dislikes about himself, like I do when I look at my kids, because He is perfect and He IS LOVE!

If only we could see ourselves through the lens of a perfect parent, rather than the broken lens through which we see everything, right?

I feel boring because I’m not living with enough passion for life, running the race set before me.  I’m not waking up each morning, desperate for Jesus, finding renewal in him alone and purpose with what I’ve been given.  I wake up each morning with anxiety and dread for the day.  I too often spend time in the word as if it were one more thing to check off my list.

Then Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.’ “

– Matthew 11:28 NLT

I am weary.  I am tired of chasing after who I’m supposed to be and I want to live fully in my God.  I want to serve Him with every breath, word, and action.

Fill me up, Lord, I am yours.

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