On the journey of motherhood, I find myself feeling a strange combination of insecure and yet content about 75% of the time. The other 25% would be those pure joy moments when everything’s going right.
Actually, it’s probably more like 85% and 15%…
Just when I think I’m getting the hang of things, I’m not. I fully believe the only thing that makes a mother more “qualified” isn’t how “well behaved” her kids are or how perfect she looks or how many books she’s read, but her security in the knowledge that: no one knows what they’re doing. Not one single person. We all make our best guesses and do a little research and tout our knowledge, somewhat in the hopes of helping someone else. But really, mostly to feel more secure. Parenting teaches us a lot and it all starts with that first child.
I’ve been online, in social media since college, but I didn’t really dip my toes in until having my first baby. I started a blog, set up a twitter account, and started sharing my struggles and opinions. Oh the opinions of a first time mom a few months in… even a year or two in. I kinda wish I could go back in time to sit that mamma down and tell her to calm the heck down. Just because your baby slept a little more that afternoon is no reason to call the doctor and go to Children’s Hospital (yes, I really did that!). A little pumped breast milk down the drain isn’t really the end of the world, though it is pretty sad. Cry-it-out vs co-sleeping/bed-sharing are not the only two options and regardless of how you choose to sleep-train (if at all), eventually your child will get it (and yes, before college). The world is not black and white and every child really is so incredibly different.
So much has changed in the 5 years since I had my first baby, Dylan. Some days it feels like yesterday and others a lifetime ago. He made me a mommy and he’s taught me more than any experience or other person, aside from my own parents. Ever. In his disobedience, he’s taught me a lot about myself. I never really thought about what it must have been like to parent me, until he came along.
Thank you mom and dad!
He’s also strengthened my faith and helped me to draw closer to God. Through him, I’ve seen so many of my own strengths and weaknesses and realized how disobedient, demanding, and ungrateful I can be as a child of God. I’ve also come to accept and appreciate who I am more through him because, if I don’t love myself, how can I love him?
I’ve learned a lot through each child, but Dylan’s been through the ringer with me. We’re on his 5 house, he just turned 5, and we’ve been here for a year. This is Wyatt’s second house and I doubt he remembers the first. Dylan was my little buddy when I was still figuring all my stuff out. And I had a lot to figure out. All at once. Poor kid.
Dylan turned 5 years old, two weeks ago. It completely snuck up on me with Naomi’s birth, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas and the New Year. Excuses, excuses. We had some cake with family on his actual birthday, but we ended up scheduling his party for the end of the month. I don’t think he needs a party for every birthday, but this is a big one, right? Plus, he brings so much joy to this family, I’m so excited to celebrate him!
Let me tell you a little bit about this beautiful boy. He:
- loves God
- loves to help anyone and everyone
- thinks superheroes are pretty awesome
- has so much self-confidence, it blows me away
- lights up the room when he’s happy and brings in storm clouds when he’s not
- has imaginary friends he calls his “football friends”, whom he talks to on his Power Ranger phone
- isn’t really into watching sports and mixes all the sports up, calling basketball football and vice versa, but he loves his Broncos
- has seemingly never-ending energy and some pretty impressive moves when he dances
- could be confused with a monkey some days
- enjoys collecting shells from the beach (last summer) and rocks when we go on walks
- is completely in love with his baby sister and is great at helping her calm down when I can’t get to her fast enough
- loves to play with and help his brother, when they aren’t fighting
- loves animals and could spend all day running around with our dogs