When my husband and I got married the minister who married us asked us to think about what we brought to the relationship. He said it is easy to think about what your husband/wife brings to the table, but asked if we ever think about our own contribution. Do you?
I probably don’t do it often enough, but I try to remind myself of my need to serve the people who are important to me, rather than tear them down with what they haven’t done for me. I know I don’t do it often enough with my husband (or my mother or sister for that matter). In our relationship, I am definitely the taker and he is, without question, the giver. When we have an argument, in the end, in order for the argument to cease, he always has to give in and let me feel like I won; until he does that, I am just blinded with stubbornness. But once he does that, I am able to clear my head and realize when I’m wrong and apologize. The passionate Italian in me definitely comes out sometimes 🙂 and it is something that is a weekness for me. Thankfully, it’s something Andy knows about me and can put up with (AND is just one of the MANY ways he serves me).
In any case, I think the “what do I bring to the table” question goes beyond marriage; it should be asked in regards to every relationship. I have both giver and taker friends; friends who I give to more and other friends who I take from more. I try to make it even, but it’s hard! Some people are just wonderful givers and some are just takers.
There isn’t anything wrong with that, it is human nature to take from the friends who offer more and to give to the ones who need more from you. BUT I think it is also human nature to have a limit; a point in a friendship where the “account balance” (to reference a analogy used in our young married’s Sunday School class in regards to a husband and wife’s relationship) is negative because both friends just take from it and neither side gives or cares anymore.
So I have a question: if you had a friend who continually hurt your feelings without really seeming to notice or care, would you confront him/her? Would you tell him/her what you think or would you just let the friendship die because you feel like he/she wouldn’t really hear you anyway?
This has happened to me a couple of times with different friends where I have felt let down by the friend. Or I have noticed that the person doesn’t go out of their way anymore for me whereas I was still going the extra mile for the friendship. For me (and maybe I am making excuses for the friends to make myself feel better), but I usually just remind myself that everyone gives what they have to give and that’s all they can give, and I need to just accept it and move on. In all cases I didn’t believe that the friend actually meant to hurt me in any way – it’s just that they didn’t think about their actions (or lack thereof) and how they would make me feel. And no, maybe I don’t go out of my way where I did before for that person, but I don’t close the door completely.
None of these things that I felt let down about were big enough for me to feel like I needed to confront the person – like I said, I never felt like they did it on purpose or meant to hurt me. If I felt that way, I would probably confront it right away and probably would not choose to be friends with them at all anymore. I think of relationships (esp friendships) as very fluid and in the past those friends that had let me down at one time in my life came through later on and redeemed themselves in some small way like thinking to call on a special day or writing a card or letter to me sometimes for no reason at all, just to say hi.
So, in the end, I think you need to do what’s right for you. If you feel strongly that you should confront the person then go with your gut.
On the other hand I’ve had mutual friends who’ve disappointed each other – and I’m in the middle – and then that particular person who was upset/disappointed got all mad and upset and told them about it. I don’t think my one friend who got upset had the best communication skills, either – so it really just compounded the problem because the other friend didn’t understand why she was so upset and she never really gave her a chance to explain and discuss the issues. So everyone ended up hurt and the friendship was weakened for a while – but everything heals with time and now I don’t think anyone can remember what the problem was in the first place and we’re all still friends. I think you have great communication skills, Erika, so I would not be worried about that with you if you choose to confront your friend. Just give the friend a chance to hear your feelings and give them plenty of room to respond. In my experience, most people are takers and they are simply not thinking about anyone else but themselves in their actions. In other words, be prepared that they had no idea you were upset at all.
Anyway, hope this helps – this was just my experience and how I’ve chosen to deal with it over the years – everyone has a different approach. Good luck! Love, Mary
I have done it both ways. One friendship i just let die because i knew this person was never going to change her ways and the friendship was not worth enough to me to fight for it. So we just don’t talk any more. Another friendship i thought was worth trying to save, so during a lunch a confronted her and told her i did not see us being friends in the future if things stayed the same. She seemed to listen and understand and i thought there might be hope, but in the end things did not change and i am no longer friends with her. But i felt in my mind i had done everything i could to save the friendship. I am just at a point in my life that i want to surround myself with true friends. I have casual work friends, but when i am spending my spare time on the weekends i want to share my time with friends that appreciate me and are pretty equal relationships. So i don’t feel bad about letting some friendships die so i have more to give to my true friends. I am glad i confronted my one friend. It gave me the piece of mind I needed. Your friend might be upset at first and will hopefully change the relationship so you can continue the friendship, but if not, you will have some closure and not wonder years from, what if.
i think it depends if you want to really know the answer to your question, and if you are ready to accept any outcome. let me know how it turns out, i’m kind in the same place here with a friend. 🙂
I’m coming kind of late to this post but wanted to write anyway because I went through this with one of my closest friends of 10 years recently. I’d bring up individual instances with her, but eventually became too tired to invest anymore. We didn’t speak for the better part of a year, until she showed up one day and it was like everything had completely changed. Who knows what it took for her to realize that this long-standing friendship was about to fall apart.
If you’ve never said anything to this friend before, you have absolutely nothing to lose by talking to her. At least then, you tried and if nothing changes after that, it might make it easier for you to let go. I think there is a natural course that has to run, and that as long as you’re still feeling hurt and frustrated, you still care a great deal, and it’s worth a conversation. If things stay the same, you’ll let go on your own.
Also, sometimes it’s just hard to navigate friendships as life changes and things that weren’t a part of it in high school, or college, or when we first started working demand our attention. You would know this better than me, having a family now. But these changes have required that I let a number of friendships go over the years, or allow other ones to change. My best friend in high school is still one of my best friends, but we don’t see each other often, or talk every week, and we’re not necessarily each other’s first phone call when something big happens anymore.
So maybe you don’t have to let go completely – you just have to change your expectations. Some people mean well but are terrible about keeping in touch – I try not to take it personally, but accept that I just have to be the one to write first. Some only show up when they have a problem. Some are there no matter what. You figure out which people deserve priority.