A Heart More Focused

Roller Coaster Of Emotions

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I laid in bed for an hour last night before falling asleep.

As soon as my head hit the pillow, my mind started racing about all the housework and errands I am behind on, blogs I want to catch up on, the topics I want to research, and all the BlogHer events I still want to talk about (this week, I promise!).  I then started thinking about how alone and stir crazy I felt in our home last week and that I really need to get out with Little Man for more play dates and activities this week.  That only made me more anxious about catching up on everything else. ugh!

Then on top of that, I went to BlogHer with the hopes of finding a way to contribute financially online.  Whether through this blog or by other means.  What I came back with was: bigger dreams and even less of an idea of how to get there.

So last night, I kept thinking about how much I used to contribute to our income and that I wish I could do that again.  I used to work from home with very flexible hours and, with little man’s current dependable schedule, I am sure I could handle a job like that again.  Problem is, those kind of jobs are pretty rare, even in IT, and Little Man’s schedule will not be my only consideration soon.  This, of course, also brought me back to what I said last week about feeling like the doors on future opportunities are closing in front of my eyes with the next baby on the way.

I felt so much support after writing that post and, after a weekend of soaking in everyone’s comments and speaking with my mother a little, I really do feel much better.  Your comments were so comforting.  Thank you.

I don’t know.  I guess this is just something I’m going to have to wrap my head around over the next seven months.

It’s so cool that we live in a world where there are so many options for women, but when I spend too much time thinking about all those options, I just feel like hyperventilating sometimes.

Some days I daydream about homeschooling and getting Little Man involved in all the activities he might be interested in because that is a dream of mine too.  But, then other days I feel like I am not organized enough to give that to him and look forward to school days when I’ll have a time to pursue other ambitions.

Motherhood is complicated.  Definitely a roller coaster of emotions I could not have anticipated, but a fun ride nonetheless.

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Comments

  1. Just like your mother sacrificed part of her life to you, you will sacrifice part of your to your kid (s). It IS overwhelming because suddenly everything change !

    Your whole life is turned upside down and there is no way back! But the strengths derives from all those little things that you will experience – your child is you, and as he grows you will be proud and happy.

    Trust me – i was scared to death after my first child. “Am not gonna make it!” feelings was all around me. But in the end – it not so hard 😉

    All the best !
    Marlene recently posted..3D Movies – How it works ?

  2. Knowing your life is going to be chaotic again and knowing that Little Man is growing up and that your next one will grow up quickly too and having known you this whole time? I’d say get a part time job. Even just 10 flexible hours a week, you want to contribute to the household monetarily and you want to be home with your kids and you CAN do both. With your parents nearby, maybe they could help with childcare so you could get some work in a day/a few days a week. There are lots of options, you just need to take a step in the direction you think is best and see where it leads you.

    Good luck!

    • Thanks Michelle. I think I am going to try to find something part time. I know it’s possible, it’s just hard to know where to start sometimes. I envy your job in that you get to do what you love and it’s so flexible. Hopefully I can find something like that eventually too. 🙂

  3. Whatever you decide, make sure it’s something you love. Because kids grow up. And you need to find something that makes you happy and fulfilled outside of them. I know it’s hard to do that when they seem to consume every ounce of energy and time, but you need it for you. ((hugs))
    Diana @Hormonal Imbalances recently posted..Sorting it out.