A Heart More Focused

Extended Nursing Dilemma And Question

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Why do parenting decisions have to be so hard?  I made the decision to refrain from nursing Little Man before his nap today and now I feel guilty.

As many of you know, I still nurse my two year old.  He just turned two a couple of weeks ago.  I’ve also said before that I’d prefer not to tandem nurse.  However, that thought has absolutely nothing to do with my decision today.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads with LM.  I’m at a point where I can’t tell if he’s still nursing because it’s part of the routine I established or because he really wants to.  He used to randomly request to nurse, but he doesn’t anymore.  It’s solely part of his nap and bedtime routine and we’re at the point now where I think he may be using it as a stalling technique.  What I’m struggling with is, does that really matter?  Should I really care why he wants to nurse?

Occasionally, when LM doesn’t want to take his nap or go down for the night, he refuses to nurse.  I don’t want to force to it, so I usually say, “Ok, if you don’t want to nurse let’s just go right to bed.”  That usually results in him latching immediately.  That felt like coercion to me though.  I felt like, if the choice was between spending and extra 10 minutes rocking and nursing or going straight to bed, of course he’s going to pick the extra time.  Plus, usually even after I’ve nursed him, he tries to resist going to bed by charming me with kisses and refusing to lay down when I put him in the crib.

Today, I decided to try a new approach.  I asked if he wanted to nurse and he responded with a clear no and shook his head.  I then began to stroke his tummy and he laid there peacefully while I did that for 15 minutes.  As I expected, when his eyes got heavy and I tried to put him in his crib he started saying, “nurse, nurse?!” and pointing at my chest.  I normally would have given in, but I didn’t.  I put him in the crib with his water and told him that if he still wanted to nurse when he woke up, we’d nurse then.  I know that probably sounds like a hard concept for a toddler to grasp, but he really does seem to understand the idea of getting something “after [XYZ]“.  I’ve done it before, it works, and, if it’s something he really wants, he always remembers.  So after a little protesting (not much more than usual), he gave me a kiss and said “lubby” (I love you) as I left the room.  As soon as I was out of the room, my heart sank a little.

I know this is not a life or death decision and I really do understand that I’m not going to scar him for life by denying his request to nurse.  I just can’t help but second guess myself.  I worry about my motives.  Am I doing this for him or for me?  I can’t really answer that.  As much as I love nursing most of the time, I do have those days when I can’t wait to stop.  I know he doesn’t need to nurse to fall asleep because many people (including a babysitter and his Daddy, Nana, Poppie, & Grandma) have put him down for naps and bedtime with complete success without any milk or anything.

So I don’t know.  What do you think?

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  1. We just weaned completely in the late fall when Z was 2.5. Our situation sounds pretty similar – nursing only at naps and bedtime, and it became a stalling technique that only delayed sleeping but seemed not to be needed. (Also, my supply plummeted in the first trimester and it was quite painful at that point.) We have replaced it at bedtime with extra cudding and some quiet time after lights out. It is one of my favorite times of the day with him, and he does not seem to miss his “baba,” as he calls it, at all. It was time. Sounds like it might be time for you too, esp if you don’t want to tandem nurse. Good luck with this transition!
    Liz recently posted..Belated Christmas

    • I didn’t know you were pregnant! How did I miss that?!

      Thank you, Liz. It’s comforting to know that this might just be the beginning of the end of nursing for him and that’s ok. I didn’t have too much of a problem with discomfort until now, but that’s another part of the reason I think I might be looking to stop.

  2. I am nursing my 26 month old daughter (2 times a day.. first in the morning and then before nap). So I understand where you are coming from. There are times I tell her “no” even when she is more forceful. There are times I will tell her “yes” when she asks…. but that is only when she is sick. Other than that we nurse our normal times each day. Would she be okay without them…. most likely. Can she fall asleep, for naps, without nursing? Yes. I look at it like this: They are only this small for so long. It is not only a comfort to them, but they are STILL getting the benefits breastmilk has to offer, as they did when they were little. My plan is to let her wean herself…. however…. 2 years is awesome. Any amount of time is awesome. If you feel you are done…… there is nothing wrong with that. You gave him two years! That is amazing in itself. Good for you!

    Hugs!
    Jacky

    • It’s really nice to hear that you nurse on a schedule that you’ve set, too. I’ve felt a little guilty about that since he stopped needing to nurse as frequently (about a year). I don’t know why. I guess it’s the motive question again. You’re right, all I can do is go with my gut. Thank you! He woke up and asked to nurse as soon as he got up, so I guess he isn’t ready to give it up yet. And today he didn’t waste any time, so at the very least I think I stopped him from using it as a stalling technique. I think I’ll probably end up letting him wean himself, too.

  3. I’m at the same crossroads with Monk. In fact this is the topic I plan to bring up at my La Leche meeting Wednesday. She just turned 2 also, and our babies are due on the same day, right (still finding those similarities so cool)?! I still nurse her at bedtime and sometimes at naptime and sometimes (rarely) in the morning when she gets up. She often uses nursing as a stalling technique (like you described with LM) and when that happens I don’t give in. More so out of wanting to maintain the authority role in our relationship than out of trying to keep her from nursing. Don’t beat yourself up too hard and keep doing what you’re doing. Two years is a LONG time to nurse particularly by US standards. So pat yourself on the back Mama. Someday soon our little ones won’t care to nurse at all, and we’ll have whole new little beings latched to our chests. The circle of life, right?!
    Alexia @ Babies & Bacon recently posted..We’re Having a Baby: Week 30

    • Yeah, I think so! I still find those similarities cool, too! You hit the nail on the head with “wanting to maintain the authority role in our relationship”. That’s generally where I find myself putting my foot down about not nursing, too. I hope the not caring to nurse happens before or around the same time as the arrival of the new little one, but I’m sure it’ll work out if not, too.

      It’s crazy to think about nursing a newborn again, isn’t it? The nursing has changed so much over two years.

  5. Hi Erika,

    This is clearly not my area of expertise, as both of my children quit on me between 9 and 11 months. (I believe it is because of my supply drops significantly once I cut the number of feedings a day down to 2.) That said, I applaud you for giving little man your milk this long. Here’s a good reason to nurse for 2+ years:
    http://news.yale.edu/2001/01/25/breast-cancer-risk-reduced-50-percent-breastfeeding-two-or-more-years#.TxzQVOsan6M.facebook

    At any rate, it sounds like perhaps Dylan is using it as a form of power (to test if he can get you to change your mind and let him have control), and also as a source of comfort. Rest assured, as other commenters have noted above, you can comfort him other ways before bedtime. And trust me, he will continue to find ways to test whether you mean what you say and pull at your heart strings in the process. So the real question doesn’t really involve him much at all (except of the health benefits of continued nursing). The question, my dear, i s whether you are done. And seeing as you’re in your third trimester and don’t want to tandem nurse, it looks like you are coming up on making a decision rather quickly. It will be interesting to see if he wants to pick the habit up again once baby #2 makes a debut. 😉
    Christine recently posted..Parenting law #4: Your to-do list will never be the same again

    • Thanks for that article Christine! I’ll have to check it out. I know you’re right. I love this: “he will continue to find ways to test whether you mean what you say and pull at your heart strings in the process”. As he was doing it yesterday, there was a part of me that knew that’s what was happening. It’s just hard to believe that someone so small and innocent already knows how to play with my emotions. And that he’s so good at it! I don’t think I’m done yet, but you’re right. I better make up my mind soon or my decision will be made for me 🙂

  6. Oh motives! Yeah. We can really get wrapped up in that question. Just last night, I read John Eldridge’s section in “Walking with God” on motives. So raw and honest. The reality is, we have divided hearts. We’ll always have good and not-so-good (sometimes even bad) motives. This really leaves us in a place where we desperately need to draw close to God to hear His voice for direction. LM will have good and not-so-good motives, too, even at his young age. Comfort and love or control and manipulation? I’d guess all of the above. Which leaves us with only one place to turn – the Lord. What does HE want you to do? What’s His plan, based on the ways in which He wants to shape and mold both you and LM for your futures and His glory? Only He can tell you that. And I find it often takes a good deal of heartfelt seeking before we get an answer. (Wouldn’t it be nice if He always gave immediate direction in a clear and audible voice?! But then we’d miss out on the desire and perseverance that the waiting and seeking produces in us.) We give our not-so-good motives over to Him to ‘crucify’ (take away) and walk forward in the good motives, allowing Him to guide us. And to the point of one of your older posts, the beautiful thing about this is that it can really look different for each person, so we need never judge another for their decisions. Keep wrestling through all your divided heart, mixed motive angst, my friend. He’ll guide you in His time, and you’ll know His answers by their fruit – do you feel continued angst or peace? : )
    Lacey @ KV Organics recently posted..Webinar Launch

  7. I am probable the first male to comment of your blog. But being a father of three and having observed my own children. you are in quite a delemna, From what you outlined in your blog it would appear that you son is stalling ortrying to avoid going to sleep, othe ther other hand thfact thathe he want to nurse when cyou confront him is also a sign that he feels secure and con=mforted in your presences. All the kisses and hugs show two things. One that he loves you and two,its his way of playing on your emotion. That what children do. Maybe its time to start weenng him off .
    Charles Green recently posted..Does Idol Lash Really Grow Eyelashes?

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