Working Through My Fears. I’m Finally Ready.

Ready for real.  I know I’ve said this for a few weeks now, but I was sort of lying before.  Unintentionally lying to myself and others.  I’d tell someone how ready I was for this baby to arrive and then find myself immediately stricken with fear and say to myself “but, hopefully not today”.

I’ve been ready to have my body back for a long time.  It’s the thought of actually going into labor, my postpartum body, and having an infant and toddler that made me nervous.

What’s crazy to me is: I wasn’t scared at all last time.  I had no idea what to expect, but I knew with 100% confidence that I could do it.  I knew I was going to have a successful drug-free birth outside of a hospital and everything would be perfect once he was here.  Perfection is relative, but you know…

Maybe I’m just better at blind faith?

I wasn’t really scared about anything going wrong this time.  I trust my instincts, my body, and my midwives’ ability to catch any warning signs.  Its more that I wasn’t sure I was prepared.  Part of my problem was we didn’t host my birth last time.  I probably should have been nervous about getting to the birth center on time, but I had no idea my first labor would move so quickly (3 hours of active labor).  Ignorance is bliss!

Up until now, I thought my real problem was fear of the physical postpartum healing.  That’s the little lie I’ve been telling myself ever since I got hurt a few weeks ago.  The pain I felt reminded me of how I felt postpartum.  I realized in the past couple of days, though, that I experienced normal aches and soreness last time and I don’t even remember feeling much postpartum cramping.  I stayed in bed and slept a lot for a couple of days and I moved more slowly for six weeks, but it was by no means the end of the world.

The real core of my fear comes from feeling unsettled.  Last time we hadn’t just moved and I didn’t have any other kids to worry about (unless you count the dog).  I worked full time from home and all my spare time was my own.  I planned out everything to the nth degree months ahead of time.  Everything was exactly where I wanted it.  We had the perfect little nursery decorated and waiting.  I had it filled with everything we thought we’d need (most of which we didn’t) and organized to death.  This time?  There’s a very long list of things I’d like to do but probably won’t get around to.  Partially because I have Little Man (who’s 2), but also because I knew I went overboard last time.  So, now that we’re around the corner from my due date (3/21), nothing’s even remotely similar to the last time.  Instead of embracing all the changes like I normally do, I’ve feared them.

So what’s changed in the past few days?  Nothing really.  Me.  I’m finally ready to let go of all my fears and move forward.  I’ve realized that, though things are different than last time, that doesn’t necessarily mean things won’t go as well this time.  I’m ready to face the intensity of labor and the possibility that I won’t have the birth pool ready to go in time.  I’m ready to submit to God – to accept I’m not in control and what’s meant to be, will be.  I’m also ready to accept that I may not get all of LM’s old clothes and toys organized before this baby comes because, really, who cares?  I’m ready to meet this new little member of our family and fall in love all over again.  Come on out little one.  We’re all excited to meet you!

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