A Heart More Focused

Struggling a little

By

I feel a little like I’m drowning. I’m spending a lot of time the past few days trying to stay afloat and not fall apart.

I want to exude optimism about motherhood, but after three cases of mastitis in a one month time span and a recent bought of colic, I’m struggling. I can get out of bed and function just fine and I’m not having bad thoughts. I’ve just been happier.

After Littlest One’s birth, when my milk came in, I got mastitis and decided to opt for the antibiotics. Within two days of finishing them, I got it again. Then again about two days after that round. Basically, every time I got into a rhythm and started to feel like I had this mom of two gig down, I’d be stuck in bed with a painful breast and fever again. That doesn’t really help a new mamma’s morale.

Then there was the tragic loss of my close friend’s twin boys, Julian & Preston, at 19 weeks. Obviously, that was hardest on her, and her loss isn’t about me. But it did affect me. I love her and her family and it was a hard loss.

The past few days have been especially rough. We gave Littlest One a bottle two days ago and he’s been a gassy, uncomfortable mess ever since. He may be going through his 6wk old growth spurt, too. I can’t put him down for five seconds to get a glass of water without him falling apart. He doesn’t like the Moby unless I’m in continuous motion. That and he apparently wants continuous access to my breast. Even when he’s not hungry. Not so easy to handle when my toddler needs my attention, too.

I’ve started three, THREE, posts this week and haven’t had the time to finish any of them.

This is hard! It’s such an adjustment and I’m doing my best to have patience with myself, but it is hard. I didn’t want to write this post for fear of scaring anyone who’s pregnant with their second, but there are so many factors that have contributed to my feelings. I also don’t like venting on here.

I know I’m blessed. I know we’re so lucky to have our boys and I’m so lucky to be home with them. Most days really are great. But today, on this gloomy day, I just need to put these feelings out there. I need to put them somewhere and not internalize them. Thanks for listening 🙂

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.
0 Shares

Comments

  1. Venting is healthy. I probably should have done more of it when Jonas was going through his colicky days. I couldn’t put him down for what felt like forever. It seemed like he was crying when he wasn’t sleeping or nursing.

    But, as is the case with most things, this passes, which I know you know. Hugs to you – I didn’t go through the nursing difficulties you are having and can only imagine how much harder that is making things. I’m thinking of you and hoping things level out a bit for you very soon!
    Amber recently posted..Why It’s Worth a Watch Wednesday – Girl Time

    • Thanks Amber. Just hearing that other moms have experienced some of the same difficulties with their babies helps. I do know it gets better, but the reminders help too!

  2. I think it’s important for mothers to be honest with each other that sometimes, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine and gazing into the eyes of your angel children. Parenting is hard, and unless we acknowledge that, you start to think that you are alone when you have down days – or weeks – when it’s a struggle to do the bare minimum and obstacles seems to come from everywhere. I hope you get to a more stable place soon! I know our lives are about to be turned upsidedown in a couple months when our second is born; I’m trying to enjoy this calm before the storm!
    Liz recently posted..Happy Easter!

    • That’s so true. I think that’s a lot of the reason I was feeling this way. I mean, not hearing about how this all *feels*. I’ve heard so many horror stories, but the feelings aren’t shared all that often. It really is important to hear about the struggles of other mothers to know we’re not alone. These responses I got after writing this really helped pull me out of the funk I was in.

      • I concur with what Liz has said totally. After welcoming a child life changes a little, but as a woman there is always that helps one get past those times.
        Marilyn Berth recently posted..Max Workouts Exercises

  3. Big hugs to you Erika! Just know you’re not alone. There will be others that say everything is just perfect in their worlds.. but I”m convinced they are lying 😉 Going from 1 to 2 was a BIG adjustment for me. My LO also went through a hellish 6 week growth spurt which resulted in my only time away from her being a quick shower or bath and hearing her wail (in the capable arms of my husband) the whole time 🙁 It’s rough. I never dealt with mastitis so have no real advice for you there.. but did have my fair share of other issues (shallow latch, sore/bleeding nipples, milk blisters, clogged ducts). Have you tried lecithin? I’ve used it when I had recurring clogged ducts. Here’s a link from Kelly Mom: http://kellymom.com/nutrition/vitamins/lecithin/ It’s important to vent, it’s important to admit we’re not perfect (and shouldn’t be expected to be perfect either), and most important is to know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling.

  5. I completely and totally understand. My first child (now 5) had colic EVERY SINGLE DAY at 5pm-8pm, crying non stop, but best in my arms. I honestly don’t know how I did it. It lasted until he was around 4 months old. Then, when my daughter was born two years later, my son started having night terrors. Those were awful. Just about as bad as the colic had been. It is heartbreaking to see your kids in pain and there is nothing you can do expect hold them. I never had severe mastitis, just a clogged duct here and there. The continual nursing can be good AND bad. Bad in that he is constantly making your body think it needs to make more milk, and good in that it keeps the milk moving. Are you sleeping in a tight bra? Also, underwires are a big contributing factor to clogged ducts! I found that out the hard way. Hot showers and massages are good too. This too shall pass. Hang in there, mama. You are doing a great job. If the blog has to wait, it can wait. You need to rest in those few quiet moments!
    Teresa recently posted..May Showers. Blah, blah, blah.

  6. Hang in there! Going from 1 to 2 is a challenge under the best of circumstances, and you are definitely dealing with not ideal circumstances! Ask for and accept ALL the help you can, it feels silly, like you should be able to handle things, but really, help is good! Take advantage of being close to family!

    Keep breathing and hang in there, it will get easier again, I promise 🙂

    • You’re comments always make me smile Michelle. You keep me grounded in reality! Sorry I haven’t called or emailed you back yet! Email is coming next 🙂

  7. Hi Erika,

    Thinking of you. Just having 1 was very hard for me so I totally get it (not that I’ve experienced 2). Please let me know how I can help….will you be joining us tomorrow?! I hope you can get away for a few hours….

  8. Hang in there Erika. It’s a tough adjustment. IT’s alright to be overwhelmed and frustrated, particularly with the mastitis issues. I wish I had some good advice, but all I have is sympathy and commiseration. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we’re doing the best we can and that everything is only a phas. It WILL get easier and better. Sending hugs and love!!

  9. I get it. You’re not crazy. As someone else already said, transitioning to two is hard even under the best of circumstances. The extra things you’re dealing with right now can only make it harder. And it’s one of the hardest things in life to rest in God when the storms rage around us and in our own minds. Praying for you, Mama… Hugs.
    Lacey @ KV Organics recently posted..Sunblock Giveaway

    • Thank you Lacey! Your prayers and support mean a lot. You’re my inspiration. The comment you made about the transition to two being the hardest for you really sticks with me every time I get stressed out. I always wanted a big family and I beat myself up with thoughts like “If I can’t handle this, how in the world could I handle any more kids?”

      • It gets easier and harder all at the same time, but I do think 1 to 2 was the hardest. : ) And thankfully, there’s grace for each day… Even the days I feel like running away screaming. : ) Hope to see you soon – will get back to you tomorrow about next week. : )
        Lacey @ KV Organics recently posted..Sunblock Giveaway

  10. I actually cannot say that i feel how you felt but i can say this much that by reading your story and your reply , you had to struggle really hard … not often do we see such thing . I am really glad that you shared your story ..
    Evan recently posted..360 HDMI AV Cable Review