After I put Wy down for a nap this morning, I went into my room, laid down, and stared at the ceiling. I thought about my to-do list and just felt completely listless.
I’ve felt like this for a few weeks now. I can’t seem to get out of this funk. The usual stuff, like getting dressed up, getting out, going for walks, etc, hasn’t really worked. I still spend a majority of my day feeling lost.
I know I’m the problem. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it’s the change in weather? Or just getting into a routine with Dylan in preschool 5 days a week now. Dylan and Wyatt have both been a handful and I’m beginning to think I underestimated the disruption this new schedule would cause.
It’s just hard. It’s hard to constantly feel like I don’t matter even if deep down I know that’s not really true. I’ve read those words so many times written by other moms that I realize how cliche it sounds. I also know that I matter to God and to my husband and to my boys. I know I matter to friends and family.
What is it about knowing all that, that never seems like enough?
Why do I still feel these sudden pangs of panic that if I don’t do something more than keep my home and nurture my family that I’m failing? I don’t actually believe any of that, yet I’m so easily convinced when I let my guard down for a second. And, worst of all, why do I react by doing absolutely nothing productive.
Today’s an explosion day for me. It’s only 1:30pm and I already feel like a complete disaster. I’m angry and I have no patience. I exploded on Andy earlier and took a quick drive because I “couldn’t handle it”.
No, I’m not dramatic at all…
Nothing was that bad. I just reached my breaking point and I, well, broke. So here I sit still feeling frustrated and out of patience.
I know it will pass. I know whatever my kids are going through will subside if I can stay strong and guide them through their emotions. I know I can handle whatever their little minds and bodies throw at me if I can remember how little they are and the temporariness of today. I love my kids and I love my life, but some days it’s just not a fairytale.
Speaking of, anyone else anxiously awaiting the next season of “Once upon a time” on ABC?
Love that show, but more about that another day. Time to wrap up this pity party and dig myself out of this little pit!
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. -Psalms 51:10
Erika, we have got to schedule a play date! We can vent all afternoon about the woes of motherhood while the kids make a mess in the background. Some days I feel like the worst mom and that my kids hate me. And then somedays are really good. And it’s okay to just have a lazy day with nothing productive. I’ve done that. But we are not alone in this. Lets schedule something soon. I’ll bring the tub of ice cream!
Yes! Can’t wait!
It’s as if I wrote this. You aren’t alone. I wonder if it truly is “end of days” and a spiritual attack. Keep reading and studying the Word, but time away from home is good too sometimes!! I’m going to try to go to a mno at church tonight. Pray for me! I’ll pray for you 😉
Thanks for the prayers Teresa. I agree. Praying for you, too 🙂 I hope you had a great mno!
I didn’t make it out 🙁 next time, hopefully. Wish we lived closer together!
Oh, but two hours isn’t too far for a mno, right? lol 🙂 I really wish we lived closer, too!
It’s funny that you say you feel like you’re failing if you do nothing more than keep your home and nourish your family. I always felt guilty because I had to work and COULDN’T just keep my home and nurture my family. Now that my boys are grown, I STILL feel pangs of guilt from time to time. No matter what our situation, women seem to get down in the dumps about what we are or aren’t doing. I’ll say a prayer for you, because I know you hate feeling this way, and God is sometimes the only One who can help.
Just to throw something else out there…this could be hormonal or a chemical imbalance.
Thanks Lauralynn 🙂 I never really thought about it from that perspective.
Also, thank you for mentioning the hormonal or chemical imbalance, too. I do know those are possibilities. I’m doing my best to work through. I’m pretty sure it’s a mix of hormonal stuff along with lack of sleep from adjusting to a knew schedule and seasonal changes.
We have friends in town who arrived Wed evening which has helped put everything into perspective, too. Sometimes being forced out of a daily schedule can help.