Often it feels like life happens at the speed of light. There are moments of waiting, followed by moments of blur. The blur, being the seasons of life where time goes so fast it’s difficult to stay in the present and take it all in.
Today’s a sick day for us. D stayed home from school with a fever, which kind of forced me to slow down and think about our life. About a year ago, following a year of waiting, we began a time of blur. We had spent the year praying for contentment or direction if we weren’t meant to stay. The only response we got for a while was, “wait”. Then, one day, it all changed, just as I was beginning to get comfortable where we were. Pretty much literally, all within a day. But I’ve already talked about that and our {leap of faith} before.
Yesterday, I realized it was about a year ago that our journey began. I was struck both by how fast time has gone by and, yet, how it feels like it all started a lifetime ago. It really just amazes me how much can happen in a year. One year ago, this coming weekend, we came out to look at houses and we were in our new house a little more than a month after that. Here I sit with our very sweet, well behaved 11 month old boxer puppy by my side, approaching one year in this house AND expecting a baby girl before that anniversary even arrives.
Really?! How is it possible that it’s only been a year?
This pregnancy, and even this last trimester, feels like it’s going by so fast.
I clearly remember my first pregnancy. I had a full-time corporate job to keep me busy, but it still felt like the longest 9 months of my life. I spent every.single.day planning for his arrival in some way. By the time my third trimester rolled around, I had nothing left to do but wait for him and work. I didn’t even go past my due date, but I still agonized over the wait. My second pregnancy went much faster and we were much less settled, but the third trimester was still slow. I was uncomfortable in my body, which I hadn’t taken the best care of really, and I was anxious about my second birth and first home birth. I had no idea if W’s birth would go faster than my first birth, an idea that terrified me considering how quickly things happened the first time, and I knew, first hand, the amount of work that would go into delivering my baby. I spent so much time thinking and worrying about the future, I wasn’t living in the present and time felt like it was at a standstill.
I’m so excited to meet our baby girl! I think about what she’ll look like and what snuggling her will feel like before bed each night and when my eyes open each morning. Time is going by so much faster as I try to focus on being mommy to my two boys each day, on top of the weekly activities and obligations I have lined up. I’m excited about her birth, but I’m focused on the day-to-day. I have amazingly generous clothing donations from friends and a beautiful nursery that’s come together in pieces, which my mom worked very hard to finish up for me last week. There are still some things we’ll need, like a new monitor since the one we had broke, and I still need to organize her closet so I can actually find the right size clothing when I’m a sleep deprived zombie in the first few months weeks. Deep down, though, I know none of that really matters. All she really needs are my love, milk, diapers, and clothing… well and a carseat if we ever want to leave the house. We are definitely covered in all those areas.
I am so blessed to have an amazing example of motherhood in my life. She’s the reason I’m not worried about getting everything done. My mother’s presence in my life reminds me what’s important on a daily basis, especially after a close friend lost her mom recently. Like my friend’s mom, my mom has always loved us fiercely and given to us without reservation. I’m a spoiled brat who never fully appreciated the amount of self-sacrifice and surrender that required until recently AND I’m finally trying to learn from her. It’s easy to give to the people who recognize you for it, but it’s a lot harder to give everything to your family when they barely even notice and then give what’s left to anyone else who needs you. We struggled financially for much of my young life, as many young families do, but my mom worked so hard to make sure we had everything we needed. She used all the time and resources at her disposal to make dress-up and Halloween costumes for us from scratch. She never hesitated to give us her time and love and she still doesn’t.
I want to be like her.
There’s never enough time. Whether in a season of waiting or blur, in the grand scheme of things time will always go by faster than we like. What matters is that we fill the time we do have with love. The transitions between the lulls and the chaos are quick and if I don’t slow down and take the time to soak it all in and make room just to give love, I’m going to miss too much. I vow, here and now, to do a better job of slowing down. I want to not only remember our life, but really experience all of it, so I don’t miss the beauty in the crazy moments this season of life brings.
Most of all, I want to make sure my kids look back one day and remember how much love their mommy always had for them, like I do.
Nicely said Erika. Especially the part about your wonderful Mom!!!